Monday 10 June 2013

Weight loss and Exercise

It's been a while since I wrote and I've reached 21 lbs. This week has been a strange one though. This is the first time since starting Weight Watchers that I feel hungry. I don't know what it is. I've dropped points as I've lost weight but I went from a week where I never went over my points to a week where I consistently use a few of my weekly points. This shouldn't be an issue but it's still making me uneasy.

This, I feel, somewhat brings me onto exercise in weight loss. As a result (or perhaps its the cause) of feeling hungry I've upped my exercise. I went for a walk/jog/run thing on Saturday evening and as I was moving I started thinking about all of the things that have held me, and other overweight people, back from exercising. My first issue came from genuine fear. When I exercise, I worry that I will damage myself and put myself out of action for lord knows how long. As a result of my weight I probably couldn't have surgery and if I were to, I don't know, badly break a bone I'd be sentenced to my bed and would gain weight from lack of moving. I know that when I twist an ankle or sprain something that it takes me a long time to recover and I even managed to track my recovery time getting faster over time as I lost the 75lbs before. However, the reasoning stands, I worry about damage and injury and I'm not known for being the most stable of people...I tend to fall over.

I know this is a common issue among the overweight community. You hear stories of people who have been bed ridden for years because of physical issues caused by their weight. I know people personally who cannot exercise because of years of damage to joints and muscles and tendons. And with that, we go back to a comment I received a few weeks ago: change of diet does nothing, the only thing that makes people drop weight is simply, unequivocally, exercise. I'm here to say that this concept is utter crap. Exercise is great for you, don't get me wrong, but what kind of hope do you give to someone who's struggled with their weight for years, decades even, and have crippling physical issues that the only thing that can do is to get up on their broken bodies and exercise. Doing an activity that could potentially permanently damage them.

Further to that, there's just the embarrassment of it. I'm not good at exercise, except (strangely) ballet. I get sore, I worry that I'm not doing it correctly and could (no surprise) injure myself. That people are watching and laughing at me. There's the insecurity. I look silly, lumpy, uncoordinated. Everyone knows someone who HATES going to the gym for fear of people looking at them. Maybe that person is you. We've all seen those people who go to the gym just to show off whilst they preen themselves in the mirror and for people like me, the ones who are going there in some desperate attempt to get fit/lose weight it screams of our insecurity.

But on Saturday, I had a break through. I was walking along, looking back and forth at all of the people who must no doubt have been looking at me and I stopped caring. I remember reading a comment on the site tickld where someone mentioned seeing a very overweight man jogging. I read the first line and assumed 'oh, here comes the mockery'. I couldn't have been more wrong. The original poster said how inspirational this man was for his trying, how it would get easier and how those who see those who struggle at exercise should have nothing but respect for people simply making an effort. And so, Ke$ha's 'warrior' came on and I started running. Not for too long and I was all out of puff at the end but I ran and I felt free of my worries that people were looking at me. They say 'you have to learn to walk before you can run' and that's true. But it's learning when you've come to be able to run and this was also holding me back. I didn't know if, when I came to speed up, I'd be capable in the slightest. And I was shit, and that's okay. It's just going to take time and every step and every mile will make the trying easier and the training better.

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